Where has 2 years gone.....
So often I get the question, "So whatever happened with that adoption thing?" Or, "Oh, are you still doing that?" I'm not going to lie, sometimes it hurts. It is on my mind every day, this adoption 'thing.' I don't fault people, I know it's not as important or prevalent to them as it is to us. I know you can't see the growing heart like you can a growing belly. If you are a part of my every day life, you know we are still doing this 'thing.' If you've asked the question, it's ok. It seems like forever, I get it. Really, I GET IT.
Many times, the days are long, we are doing our thing. Preschool, homeschool, prayer, coop, bible study, church, friends, family, love, quiet, phone, crafts, reading, time, joy, connecting, music, laughter. It's hard to describe, this waiting. It's not all-consuming like I thought it would be. It is definitely God-breathed and for our good. It is a practice in patience and prayer. It is anticipation and love. It is definitely faithful and big. But it can seem so small at the same time. When we glorify busy, we get lost in the shuffle. God has been trying to re-focus me lately on Him. He's always in the scope, always, just sometimes He's a little blurrier than I'd like Him to be.
Lately he's been using our future son to re-focus me on His son. How He loved us....oh He loved us. Before we were even born, before our ancestors were born. So much that He came to earth as an offering for us. The best gift. Humility. Servanthood. Even to death on a cross. Ephesians 1:3-6 says it so much better, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved."
God has taught (is teaching) us so much in this wait. How worth it he is. This son that we don't know anything about besides the color of his skin. This child that we don't even know if he's been born yet. This baby who will go through trauma before we can get to him to make him forever. This country that has grown in all of our hearts. This God that is big enough to provide and comfort and call us to cross oceans to follow His will. This child that was birthed through prayer and feels like the closest we've ever been to the Lord in following Him.
In our journey, we've witnessed miracles. In our hearts, our children's hearts, in friends. We've grieved with friends over failed placements, still grieving. We've rejoiced over births and finally forevers. I can't wait to share the story of my friend, the current miracle that brings me back to God each day I consider her womb. These days my God still proves miraculous.
Randomly Saturday, I got an email from babycenter.com about me being 4 weeks pregnant. It was so random, and jarring. I was in New York and forwarded to Eric with a joke attached. Who knew? I have been a little sad lately about wanting another baby. I did when we started this adoption process. I took a full month to pray every day. I wanted another one first. I asked, God, do we have a baby first, see what the gender is, adopt different, adopt first?? He was very gentle, but clear, and said, you don't have to know the next 10 steps, just the first one. Adopt first. We prayed about it and started our process. I thought God might have been using that time to get me out of the always wanting another baby. I felt like that emotion would never go away. And for a time it did. A year ago, if you would have asked me, I would have said we were definitely done having babies biologically. But these past 6 months, I don't know, something has changed. I enjoy this time, the no more diapers, more independence, playing more than fighting phase. But as family and friends have little ones, some years after their last, it brings that desire back. All things pass through the lens of what is God's will for my life, not what I want for me, so I am praying. So if you think of me, pray for my mommy heart, that God will prove crystal clear. But, with this email, I can't help but wondering....is it true? Are we getting closer? 36 weeks left? It seems so long but oh so short comparatively! I have friends who have traveled an adoption journey that have journaled when God placed something on their heart, and it turned out to be a significant date in their child's life. I have kept a (not very consistent) journal and this was a small portion of my post on 11/5/13:
Recently I have a strong desire to have another baby. It takes my breath away sometimes and makes me question why this adoption process is taking so long. I know you told us to adopt next, Lord, so we will. But this yearning for another bio baby is strong. Are you solely preparing our hearts and minds to bring home our new son? Or do you have other plans for us?
I thought our child might have been born in September. I had this feeling, one Wednesday night, the 4th, at church. I was overcome with anxiety and burden and honesty with my Father. I wrote some things down that night, here is just a snippet:
Lord, I’m scared. I don’t know what this adoption will look like. It seems very real, but with no real end in sight. Lord, protect our boy. Be with him, whispering in his ear that his mom and dad are coming. Praise you father for the love you give us for him. Help knit all 6 of our hearts together Lord. I pray over his heart Lord Jesus, that you will begin the healing. Lead us to what he will need most. Provide, as you have constantly done throughout our journey.
So to answer any questions, yes, we are still adopting. No, we did not think it would take this long. Yes, it is hard having NO end in sight, no dates, no timeline. No, we are not giving up. Yes, we still believe with all of our heart that this was God's plan and that He knows exactly who we are waiting on. No, we are not losing hope, because our hope is not in the US Embassy, the Ugandan courts, or international adoption ethics; our hope is in the one that we consider faithful because he promised (Heb 11:11b). Yes, we choose yes! We will follow and obey, no matter what the cost!