Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It's A......

Sorry I kept you hanging!  I'm sorry, I keep thinking I'll post this with an ultrasound picture, however, the scanner is WAY over there and I'm snug as a bug here on the couch with the laptop!  Anyways, we are having another GIRL!!  We are very excited.  I've always wanted to dress my girls alike, and that when Micah was a boy that that just wasn't going to happen.  Cara is a big girl, already in 5T, so it probably won't happen for long, but I will stretch it out as long as I can :). 

Micah turned 17 months last week, and he is a ball of energy.  He is really using big words and he's figured out how to CLIMB.  To the top bunk, to the tall slide at our friends house.  Oh I can't wait for the day when I know he will climb up and not fall down. 

Tot 2 Tot is really taking off!  We've had lots of sellers register the past few days!!  We are SO excited about our frist sale coming up on April 17th.  There's still plenty of time to join us if you would like!!

Cara is loving that she's going to have a little sister.  She told my friend, when she asked her what she wanted, "a baby sister, I've never had one of those before." :).  And now Micah can say sister and sissy very well :)  I just can't wait to meet this little one (well, I can wait a little over 4 months!). 

I had a longer post, but something happened and it took off my pictures and the rest of my text :(.  Oh well, will have to come back for more now!


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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Boys and Pregnancy

Well, it's been a rough couple of weeks.  I always get on here, not knowing what to say.  Not wanting to be the first to say it.  As I'm sure you guessed from my last post, Ben lasted 6 too short days on this earth.  We are REJOICING knowing he is now whole, healed and complete in the Father's arms.  He was just too sweet, and fought so hard!  Bailey and Matt have been amazing through this.  I am so proud as a big sister.  Saddened that they had to go through this, but immensely pleased with the prayers surrounding them, and the peace they have felt, have prayed for each day throughout this entire journey. 

I realized a month or so ago, before the boys were ever born that I was already mourning.  I found out I was pregnant on 12/18.  I was so excited to share a pregnancy with my little sister!  What fun as sisters!  Then, just 10 short days later, we found out she was having twin boys (YAY!), but that she would never have the 'normal' pregnancy that we had prayed for.  That her amniotic fluid was extremely low, and extreme bed rest would be how she would live until the boys were born.  I got angry.  At God, at me (for having 2 healthy pregnancies/kids), at her doctors, I even took it out on her (I know, awful).  I was just so sad.  Mad.  Frustrated.  Upset.  I realized later I was basically going through the stages of grief.  Nothing awful had happened yet, but still, as a first time mom, I wouldn't have wished this on my baby sister!  I had prayed for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  I had looked forward to throwing her a shower and answering her questions about all the overpriced baby gear she was sure to register for, as all first time parents are expected too!  Doing all the things to her that she did to me with my pregnancies (dragging her to IKEA at 9 months pregnant and making me walk around for 4 hours!!) :).  In June.  In Houston! hah.  And just sharing in the absolute joy of becoming a MOM! 

I was being extremeley selfish.  I pulled away from God.  I kept on praying, but I didn't want to know this was God's plan for her.  I knew in my heart that I needed Him more now.  I wanted to feel the revival that was going on at our church, and I did have glimpses.  Music has always spoke to me (spoken?).  So there was some amazing songs I really connected with.  But I didn't immerse myself in His Word as I should have.  I had my (His) moments, but it wasn't enough.  My accountability group for the past couple months has probably been sick of me saying, "Yeah, I got nothing.  A few quiet times here and there, definitely praying, but not really seeking."  I tried to be excited for them with each milestone they hit, but that first day, 12/28, when I got the news, I did some research.  I shouldn't have, and after about 30 minutes, I never again looked anything up.  I didn't want to know the statistics.  I didn't want to know that my sister and Matt may have to live a very hard road as parents.  I didn't want to even think about explaining things to Cara.  Again, you can tell, it was all about me. 

Things started to change before she had the boys.  I began reading my bible, even if only superficially, more.  I had great friends who poured into me, and she had great friends and family pouring into her!  But, when the day came that she was having contractions (2/26 the day before they were born), I got mad again.  This was not happening!!  She has done SO WELL for SO LONG and she still has 4 weeks until those babies will be born small, but healthy!  Things stopped and I relaxed.  We spent a great Saturday together, Eric and the kids and I, playing at the mall and enjoying one of our last free Saturdays together before Eric's work got crazy.  Then, I finally checked my phone.  The boys were here.  I rushed to get into my car and head to Clear Lake.  And as I did, the tears came.  They were uncontrollable, and I knew I was finally breaking.  That I knew this was going to be a hard road, whether I was prepared for it or not, and that again, this was not God's Plan B!  He had their days numbered before creation!  How could I not take comfort in that?  He picked Matt and Bailey for this exact purpose.  And I get to be their aunt!  However, the breakdown in the car on I-10 wasn't the best possible place.  If I've learned anything, it's to get on your knees before that happens, and let Him break you, He was trying to all along.  I called a dear friend and she talked me down.  I didn't want Bailey to know how worried I was.  I wanted to be the rock and support she needed.  I've had friends with NICU babies.  I knew it was a roller coaster.  Through the blog world, I've also grieved people's children I didn't even know personally.  Because once you're a parent, you know that losing a child would be one of the hardest thing you might ever have to endure. 

I got there and we had a great day.  I got to see the boys even before the grandparents (that's what you get for staying with your sister while the family went out to eat) :).  They were so tiny, but oh so adorable.  I fell in love the minute I saw them, and to get to be there the first time my little sister got to meet her baby boys was a moment I'll never in my lifetime forget. 
Benjamin Ray Walkup was born first at 2 pounds, 2 ounces and 13 inches long. 

And 1 minute later, Jack Harrison Walkup joined the family at 1 pound, 12 ounces, and 11.81 inches long.
I don't want to go through all the details, as Bailey and Matt have posted on their blog what they are comfortable with everyone knowing.  And as sad as it was, Eric and I cherish the fact that we got to be there and say goodbye to sweet Ben with Bailey and Matt and his loving grandparents!  It was Eric's first time to get to meet him, as he was always taking care of our kids.  What a sweet, yet sad, moment to be a part of.   

Matt went home that night and wrote the most beautiful song you've ever heard.  They had an amazing friend sing it at the graveside.  What a cherished memory from a daddy to his son.  FUMC Pasadena has been an amazing church family to all of the Walkups, and we are so excited they took such great care of everything, and included us with open arms. 

Jack has had his ups and downs, but is doing well at Women's.  I got to spend a day with Bailey picking out fabric for his nursery (though it still sits folded up on my table....must get a move on)!  She is healing well, and has been handling things the only way I would have expected her to: with grace and the peace of our Savior! 

Now, onto my nerd tendencies.  Before all of this, I LOVED being 'graded.'  I loved getting tests and homework back all throughout school.  Even if they weren't perfect As.  I loved knowing exactly how I measured up and what I needed to focus on more.  Even during my pregnancies, I looked forward to ultrasounds.  Even when my very first one with my very first pregnancy led me down the path of surgery to remove a tumor, everything was OK.  Cara was perfect, and so was Micah.  I never once feared finding anything out.  Even when I was in the hospital last month, I had a peace that it was not pregnancy related at all, the pain was much too high for that.  I've never been much of a worrier, and I have always been extremely aware of God's plan.  Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  I know this was intended for Jews that were exiled to Babylon, but it still gave me comfort, and still does.  

Now here I sit just 3 days away from the 'big' 18 week ultrasound.  The 'anatomy' ultrasound as my doctor has been calling it.  I have always thought of it as the GENDER ultrasound.  Because that's what I was focused on.  But now, I'm getting a little anxious.  I'm trying to not even think about it.  It's hard to be excited when almost 3 months to the day, this is the ultrasound that Bailey had that shifted our lives forever.  I felt this baby move for the first time 10 days ago, but I have only felt 'it' once since then.  I know that's nothing to be worried about, but everything is just a little raw.  So, if you will, please just pray for peace for me.  I know again whatever may happen, that this is God's plan A.  The anxiety is easy to not focus on, with three kids to chase around each day.  It only sets in a little at night.  So I'm trying to focus on God's word.  Thanks for reading this little book.  I will let you know how it all goes.  

And in the mean time, I have been shying away from all the 'deals' type posts because it's just seemed wrong.  I will post one this week, when I get back on this blog. 

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Friday, March 12, 2010

Milestones?

There is so much more going on to post, but I just can't right now.  I did want to put some things on the blog for posterity (is that the right word, I can't even think straight) sake. 

Yesterday at 3 we got free rodeo tickets to Brad Paisley!!  That's not the milestone, but it was a wonderful blessing for Eric and I to go out alone, for the first time in months!!  We usually go to him every year, but this year 'decided' (by not buying any tickets) to just stay home and 'cut back.'  Well, when a friend posted she wasn't using her free tickets last night, we jumped on them.  Thank you Brenda D!! 

So, I was 16 weeks pregnant yesterday.  I was starting to feel weird about my pregnancy, like it's not real yet.  I've had 2 ultrasounds (thanks hospital stay) and have heard the heart beat, but I've lost weight, I don't feel like I 'look' pregnant yet (I bet Sterling disagrees, haha!) and I haven't felt the baby move.  I felt Cara very late, thanks to surgery, at 22 weeks.  I felt Micah at 15 weeks 6 days, so I just figured I'd feel this one move earlier than Micah.  Not the case.  I wasn't worrying, just very much looking forward to it.  Well, jamming out to some amazing electric guitar last night at the concert, baby #3 decided to make it's presence known!!  I was so excited!!  And it wasn't just my body shaking from all the noise, it was definitely the baby, and he/she did it again later that night on our way home too!!

Oh, I want to go on record saying I have NO idea what we're having!!  We find out in 2 weeks.  With both kids, I KNEW.  Like at least a month before the ultrasound.  This one, not so sure.  I really wanted a girl, then I really thought it was a boy, and now I'm torn again.  Just not sure.  Heart rate has been 158 and 150 lately, so kinda in between (Cara was always 155-170 and micah was always 135-150)????

Cara is such a little mommy.  She is so fun to be around, most of the time.  She likes to boss everyone around, which she gets from her dad ;).  She is very loving and quick to say she's sorry and forgive.  With all that's been going on with Bailey and the twins, she is so grown up for her age.  And beyond sweet.  She loves her cousins, and can't wait to meet baby Jack!!  (sorry for the poor quality webcam shots, I haven't downloaded pics in awhile).

Micah is all boy, into everything, and climbing now!  I found him on the 3rd rung headed to the top bunk the other day.  I just don't know what to do.  I don't want him to fall, but I also want him to be completely comfortable climbing up without falling by the time we move him to the bottom bunk this summer.  So, I stood behind him and let him crawl on up.  You'd have thought I'd given the boy a million dollars.  He was SO happy to be up there playing with sister!!  I just have to keep him SITTING down!!  Now sister has lost her spot where she can go play with her tiny things without him getting into them.  He's also very into the bathroom business.  Whenever Cara, Eric or I are on the potty (we are down to one bathroom as we started demo on our master bath a month or more ago and it's still sitting there unfinished), he wants to be with us saying peepee or poopoo.  And now, when he has a BM, he comes to me and says poopoo.  This morning he told me, I looked, and didn't see anything.  I said let's play with our cars, so we started playing, but he was having none of it.  So I thought I'd just change his diaper anyway.  Sure enough, there was a BM!!  Good boy! :)

Eric is gearing up for UIL in April and getting busy.  He is extremely happy spring break is next week!!!  I have gotten back into sewing, mostly things for Bailey, and I forgot how much I enjoy it, when my sewing table is cleaned off! :)  I also chopped my hair off yesterday.  I really like it, this isn't a great shot, but Cara wouldn't leave the webcam alone.  I have 'bangs' (sideswept) for the first time in 17 years!  And that's all the things I don't want to forget!

Please continue to pray for Matt, Bailey, and little fighter Jack!  Tomorrow will be a hard day as we celebrate Ben's short life and his homecoming with Jesus.  Here is a link to his obituary if you are interested in reading it. 

Sorry, this just keeps getting longer.  Romans 5 has been some scripture I've clung to over the last few weeks.  I hope you find comfort in it as I have:

Romans 5

Peace with God Through Faith
1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

6For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.



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Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Love the song

Everytime this month I was heading to or from the hospital visiting Bailey, I heard this song.  Every time.  I love it, and I hope you do too.  I will post more later.  Here are the lyrics:


I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

And a link to listen to it:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlL8LayF0uw





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Monday, March 01, 2010

My Nephews

UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM:  I am a firm believer in prayer, so I'm getting this out there!  I don't want to take away from Bailey and Matt being able to write their story, so instead, I will just ask for your prayers!!  Jack and Ben are in the NICU in the fight of their lives, and we KNOW that God has a plan for them.  If you would be willing to join our families and friends in prayer for these sweet, tiny boys, feel free to post this button on your blog.  I have it linked to Bailey and Matt's blog at this time.  They plan to post a birth story update in the next few days, so you can read about the boys there.  If you've ever had a baby in the NICU, you know it changes daily, if not hourly!  I wouldn't expect lots of updates as Bailey is recovering and there is so much change; however, that doesn't diminish the fact that all prayers and words of encouragement are welcomed.  Thank you for lifting these boys up, along with our families, to THE healer and speaker of LIFE!







P.S. I've made tons of buttons before, and I CANNOT get this one to be the right size for my side bar.  So, I have the larger one if you'd like that, and the smaller one as well! :)

UPDATE:  I've already seen so many friends with the button on their blog, and via facebook, THANK YOU.  I talked to Bailey tonight and she was so thankful for the prayers being lifted all over Texas, all the way to Michigan :).  So, if you did put the button on your blog, would you be so kind to link up here?  That way Bailey can see how many people are thinking and praying for her and her boys.  Jack is doing SO well.  He's been deemed a 'normal preemie.' :)  Bailey said, what does that even mean? Sounds like an oxymoron.  Ben is having some big issues still, and it will be a long road.  So just PLEASE keep the prayers coming! 





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