Peaceful

Here recently, I've been washed in a sea of peace.  And if you know me well, this is a long way from where I used to (usually) reside.  Especially as we've been on this adoption journey for over 2 years.  Our agency hasn't made a Ugand*n referral since last September.  We were promptly moving up the list every month last summer, my heart starting to make plans, stock piling items to take with us when we would go for 6 weeks (you know, pepto and cliff bars, Spark and travel bottles of shampoo, long dresses (oh wait..I just like to wear those!), etc.).  But then 3 months went by with no referrals, and my dreams of traveling this summer were dashed.  Then 4 more months went by with no referrals.  And though around Christmas time, it hurt to know we might spend a 3rd Christmas in 2013 without our fourth child, this peace began to form.  And most days it's there.  There are the days when the peace has left the building (not spiritually--I understand God's spirit is always there, some days I just choose sin and choose not to tap into His powerful presence that has everything I do need), like when my children can't say a kind word to each other, or our schedules get too busy, or I allow myself to not focus on being quiet in His presence, but, I can always find it again. God lavishes me like I don't deserve, every day.

So today, a friend posted this link: Top Ten Signs you are a Waiting, Internationally Adopting, Mom.  I thought it was cute.  Most of them don't apply to me (oh, but #3, I can get awkward with a stranger in no-time flat), and then I start questioning myself: why don't most of these apply to me?  I've heard of these secret facebook groups, but even in my insane amount of time (i.e. read: I need to time myself as it can turn into a serious situation as I am working on self control, I click to read one blog post and 8 posts later it's beyond my bed time) spent there, I still haven't really searched or found one.  I have a few blogs I read of other Ugandan mommas, but most of them are home now and I'm enjoying reading about their life with the children, bio and adopted.  Their struggles, and their small triumphs, but mostly how God teaches and grows them every step of the way.  I feel like my days go on pretty casually (as far as waiting in adoption--my life is crazy town, but I love it).  Don't get me wrong, we talk Uganda a lot, my kids ask weekly if we are going 'tomorrow.'  We pray for our brother, his caregivers, his first family.  There are nights when the heartache of not knowing where he is now and what his life has encountered seizes my heart and I can barely utter a word to God about this little boy that has a piece of my heart.  But in all of it, I know that God knows.  He sees me, but most importantly, he loves my son, me, my kids, my husband.  He loves us with a love we will never fully even appreciate this side of heaven.  Adoption is born out of pain, a tie broken, suffering, trauma.  I've been attending a group of local women from my church (and surrounding churches) for over a year.  We have speakers about brain chemistry, attachment, bonding and tons of other information.  I know in my head what is to come.  It won't be easy.  I'm not just forming my family how I think is the cool new thing.  My heart has broken for this country, as well as every orphan, American, European, Asian, African, South American.  It was nightly pleading with God....are you sure??  And every time, what followed?  Peace.  Eric and I are right in obedience to Him, and it is a peaceful place.

I know that God led us to our agency, and he is very present there.  There are other agencies making referrals.  Do I want to switch?  NO.  Our agency is above par when it comes to adoption ethics.  They spend countless hours (much to the horror of some adoptive parents, I'm sure) and dollars researching the 'orphan hood' of children that are referred to them.  To make sure they are, in fact, orphans.  There have been so many blog posts recently, I think born out of the recent Summit Conference, about adoption ethics, and are evangelicals actually making the child trafficking WORSE (read a few here, here, here (well, I was going to post one, but it got taken down!)).  We are 'creating' orphans, and I can't stand for that.

The human part of me reads these posts, and prays that we are still able to adopt.  Uganda is going through a transition, similar to that of the 80s for us here in the states.  Going from orphanage/institution care to foster/home type care.  It is a huge movement, needing many more social workers and investigations into families before reunification.  I am on a 'secret' facebook group regarding this, so see, I am involved.

Ok, this post is already too long, but I need to get it out of my head.  I just read a short, funny post this morning and my head started churning.  I didn't mean for it to get this long.  I could write page upon page about everything I've learned, about IA (international adoption), Uganda, orphan care, etc.  But what I wanted to reiterate in this post was, Peace.  I know God is in control. I know it's hard to hear sometimes that this is 'God's timing.'  Some people know, but don't want to hear it.  But I cling to it.  If it was my timing, I wouldn't have this peace, I'd probably be up to my eyeballs not knowing what to do because I rushed into it instead of being led by Him.  Isaiah 26:3-4 has been constantly on my heart, and it was one of the first verses God brought to my remembrance my first early quiet morning in Uganda last summer.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.