Thursday, January 14, 2010

I feel like a loser

***Will start this post by saying I just re-read it and it's all over the place.  sorry....***

I don't update as often as I should lately.  I can blame it on the pregnancy and exhaustion, but well, maybe I just will.  I feel like a loser lately.  Two Saturdays ago, I started feeling miserable.  I'm pretty sure I had a sinus infection, and that's the reason I felt so nauseus, all the drainage.  Things started looking up last weekend and I've 'felt' pretty good since.  I still have waves of nausea, mostly in the evenings when I should be preparing dinner, but during the day, I'm pretty OK.  I've been keeping things down, and with the help of an amazing husband who steps up and fixes dinner, while I dry heave over the toilet, or lay pitifully on the couch, we've been getting by.

I do feel awful though.  I feel bad I'm not putting 100% into my husband and kids every day.  I feel like I'm feeding them whatever doesn't make me sick.  I know it's just a season, but I don't want them to think this is going to be every day when I feel better.  I feel bad because on days when I do feel decent, I still just want to stay inside all day and not 'hassle' with getting the 3 kids out the door.  We do dance on Tuesdays and bible study at church on Thursdays (just started today), and sometimes I make it to playgroup on Wednesdays, but usually I choose to sit at home, and I'm ok with that. 

Why am I feeling sorry for myself when I am SOOO comfortable?  Why do I focus on the things I don't have in my life, when there are children without parents, or enough food, or Haitians that are trapped and praying for life!  God is doing a great work in our church, and, through the tools our church is using, through my life.  I am reading specific scripture each day that our Pastor is using to prepare our hearts for his weekly sermons.  I am praying that it becomes a habit.  I want to WANT to read God's word every day.  I have it so easy here.  I'm not persecuted for my faith.  I am able to freely worship whenever and wherever I choose.  What a privilege it is to live in this country.  And sometimes, I take it all for granted. 

My accountability partners and I have started reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan.  If you have the opportunity to read it, DO it!  It's a great read.  Very quick and easy, yet convicting and Scripture filled.  I ask if you are reading this, to say a quick, prayer.  I was going to say for me, but how selfish is that?   Say a prayer for the Haitians going through such tragedy.  For the single mom you know who is barely getting by.  A prayer of Thanks to an almighty God who chooses to love us so much He sent His Son to die for us.  I am so thankful for this world we live in.  I know it is filled with tragedy and sin and awful things, but God also chose to reveal Himself to us a little bit through Jesus, and I call it such an honor to be a follower of Christ.  I want to make His name famous through my life, not the other way around.  I want to love people better, and let my love of Christ show through in all aspects of my life.  So, though I did not post a 'things I want to accomplish this year' post (partially because I failed miserably last year), I do want to make it known: I want to know Jesus better this year.  I want to think missionally and act locally.  I want to love not just my family and friends better, but also people I meet in my day to day life.  I want to be a source of light in this dark world.  And I want to make it through this first trimester with joy! :)

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