Hesitation

This is not a normal money-saving post. It is a post about how God the Almighty is working in our lives every day! I originally was NOT going to post this on the blog. I was embarassed, cringed at what people would think of me, and did not want to be judged. I'm prefacing this blog by saying you can leave a comment about whatever you want, I will read it, but I may not publish it. It's my blog and I can do what I want!

Enter last week. Micah started sleeping mostly through the night at 7 weeks. He's awesome, and I admit how good we had it. Then, I've been sick for a week and a half, and he starts waking up EVERY night between 2:30 and 4. I go put the pacifier in, and if that doesn't work after awhile, I usually give in and feed him (knowing full well he can go a full 11 hours at night). So late Thursday night (after an awesome bible study with Esther and Beth Moore that morning by the way), he wakes up at 2:45, as on cue. I go put the pacifier in, shut his door, get back in bed, and tell Eric, that's it, he's crying it out tonight. We did it when Cara was about 4.5 months old, and after a rough first night, the next 2 went easy and it's been smooth sailing since. I know some of you are against it, and I'm sorry, but it's what worked for us. We didn't do it at first, we tried lots of other methods, but you do what you feel is best for your family and I'm going to leave it at that! :)

So I remember hearing him cry on and off. He'd cry, then he'd be quiet. I remember looking at the clock at 4, and he was crying, his loud normal cry. I thought, I'll give him a few more minutes, then I'll go feed him just to shut him up! Then I passed out from exhaustion. I truly know it was our Good Lord that woke me from a dead sleep at 4:20. I sat straight up in bed, looked at the clock, didn't really hear anything, but got up and went to his door (if you know my house, from his crib in his room to my bedside is MAYBE 12 feet). I listened at the door and heard this pitiful gasp/cry thing. I raced in (lights still off), grabbed at his face and he had his dog/blanket lovey thing in his mouth. At first I didn't register that this was weird. He'd had it for about a month (bad mommy! we didn't give Cara hers until she was 8 months old and could crawl), and sometimes would put it over his eyes when he was going to sleep, and then I'd go in and take it off. So I moved it, picked him up and he was DRENCHED with sweat on his back. And he was cold. I turned the lamp on and was going to feed him. That's when I yelled for Eric to come quick. He was WHITE. and breathing very slowly. Eric said to call 911, and that's what I did. We couldn't get him to really wake up. He never stopped breathing, but we kept blowing in his face (you know when they're crying really hard and you blow in their face and it makes them catch their breath, like when he got shots this morning), and he just seemed pitiful. The lady stayed on the phone with us, and she could hear him gasping. I can not explain the sound to you, just that it's something I've tried very hard to get out of my head. We put the dogs in our room, got dressed in case one of us had to go somewhere. Thank goodness Cara slept through it all. I opened the front door (it was FREEZING all of a sudden) and saw as the ambulance turned onto our street (felt like it took forever, but it was more like 5-7 minutes). Seriously the second I saw the lights, he opened his eyes, looked at Eric and smiled! His color started coming back. The EMS came in and held him. Took his heart rate, checked him out and everything was fine. They stayed while I fed him to make sure he wasn't going to vomit/choke. They said to call them back if something else happened to take him to the emergency room, but he seemed just fine.

l felt awful. At this point it was almost 5 after we laid him down after feeding him. I told Eric I would stay up and do tax returns (yeah, right), so I could check on him, and he could go back to sleep, and I'd nap when he napped today. It's so scary, normally, I go check on them both before I go to bed, and they're always sleeping so peacefully. But after I fed him and laid him down, he looked TOO peaceful! I was crazy with worry and guilt. I went and opened my bible, and fell prostrate on the floor before my King. I cried and cried, and prayed thanksgiving for waking me up in time. I kept going to the what ifs in my mind. I knew from a previous bible study that the end of 1 John 4 was about God's love, so I went to it and read through 1 John 4 and 5. God is so good. I had just studied in the Esther study how the What Ifs in our life is fear. And 1 John 4 told me how God's perfect love drives out fear.

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect

love drives out fear, because fear has to do

with punishment. The one who fears is not

made perfect in love."

Talk about what I needed to hear. I encourage you to go read the whole chapter. I needed that verse to cling to. I needed to hear that I didn't need to be punished, especially by the guilt that was overtaking me. I knew better than to give him that doll too early. I knew not to shut his door. But God is good IN SPITE of me. I wasn't going to share this story on my blog. It felt too personal and I didn't want to feel like I was giving people fodder to talk about me, or talk about how I'm not a good mom, because goodness do I try hard (like all the other moms out there don't!). Then Sunday at church the whole sermon was about who are you making famous? God or yourself? Genesis 9, about the people disobeying God and building the temple of Babel was about proving themselves, and making themselves famous on this earth. We were challenged to think daily about who we were focused on making famous. I didn't need to worry about who read my blog, what they thought of me as a mom, but more about how my God was faithful, loving and THERE! As if that wasn't enough, day 1 in my Esther study was about how God kept King Xerxes awake the night before the 2nd banquet. God can take sleep away, and what was one of the questions? "How about you? When was the last time the Lord took sleep from you?" Talk about speaking to me on a PERSONAL level! Um, just the other night, thanks for the reminder. Then, "Describe such a moment when you knew God strategically timed something you read or heard." Um, how about 1 John 4 and 5 after crying over near misses!

I still wasn't totally ok after I originally read that scripture. I mean, I was glad for reading it, and knew what it meant, but I could NOT get Micah's lethargic image out of my head. I had called my mom a few times to tell her what had happened before she went to work, but I kept missing her (because God kept having me read and re-read what He wanted me to hear). When I finally did talk to her, Thank God she remained calm. She let me cry as I recounted the story and how I couldn't get it out of my mind. She said she would pray for peace and comfort for me (as I already had done for myself) and to know God was with me and loves me. That's all I needed to hear. I immediately, after getting off the phone, sat down again and just let him swim over me. I prayed for peace about the whole situation. Everything was fine. Micah is ok, the doctor will (and did) check him out and everything is fine. I could FEEL His peace come over me. Ever since then, when re-telling the story, to the doctor, to my sister, and just 4 friends, I've been able to not cry. To not recount that image. To not be completely tackled with fear.

Then, I do day 2 of my Esther study, about how Haman just knew Xerxes was going to honor him (and not Modecai, his enemy), by thinking, "Now Haman thought to himself, 'Who is there that the king would rather honor than me?'" Esther 6:6. The whole day's study was about how sometime we side with the awful Haman. We presume and feel entitled. One of Beth's notes was "We can think about ourselves so much that we assume others are too." Talk about humbling. At first I thought, I don't do that too often. Then, I think about my blog. I truly hope people are taking advantage of the deals, etc, but there are times when I'm cowardly, post something, and hope it makes people talk or think about how good of a mom I am. So that I can feel better about myself. When I don't need praise from anyone here on this earth. I'm made to praise Him. Ok, enough about me! ;) Micah needs to eat. I'll leave you with another great verse (um, which ones aren't??)

Psalm 62:7 "My salvation and honor

depend on God; His is my mighty

rock, my reguge."